When you see someone behaving unreasonably, there is one thing that you can know for certain, and it’s not what you think. Of course we all want to think that we know the other person is being unreasonable. But that’s difficult to know for sure. You’ll find that the person who presently seems so unreasonable to you doesn’t think they’re being unreasonable. In fact, it can be quite a challenge to explain to them why they’re being unreasonable, even when it’s obvious to everybody else in the room. And if we’re honest, I think we’ve all had the experience of being that person: in the moment believing ourselves thoroughly reasonable, only to discover in hindsight that wasn’t the case—and everybody but us knew it. It’s surprisingly difficult to assess your own reasonableness from the inside.
It’s safe to assume that you won’t know you’re being unreasonable without outside help. So when you find yourself internally certain that someone else is being unreasonable, all you really know for sure is that you don’t share their concerns and priorities.
Why does that matter? James 1:19 has the answer: “Let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath.” You can escalate, condemn, demand compliance. But rather than being quick to anger, slow down. Listen. There’s something going on in this other person that you don’t know about. Ask questions. Study the person in front of you. Get curious. See if you can grasp what’s going on in their world.
Of course, it really may be that the other person is being unreasonable—after all, it won’t always be you. But you can always get angry later, if you need to. Get curious first.
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